


Tu es Tout ce Que Je Veux

by Illenjoyluhansmayo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 13:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7535131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illenjoyluhansmayo/pseuds/Illenjoyluhansmayo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> 'What is life to someone who'd gladly fall into death's embrace?' </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>Oh Sehun refuses treatment after treatment, surgery after surgery. He's going to die, and he welcomes it with open arms. It's been a while since he stopped caring, and happiness is nothing but a memory to him. All he wants is to fly free. When Lu Han comes into his life, suddenly Sehun's wings don't feel so clipped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tu es Tout ce Que Je Veux

Sehun hates his doctor's appointments. He doesn't need a doctor to console him, tell him everything is okay when it most obviously is not. Sehun has cancer. It's as simple as that. He finds it laughable that his mother is yet to come to terms with it when he has long ago done so.

He gazes out of the window peacefully, watching the children running around happily outside.

"Sehun? Are you listening to me? I know it's a lot to take in, but I need you to be strong."

He snaps out of his trance, giving his doctor a reproachful look for disturbing his thoughts before turning to his mother.

"What did she say?"

His mother takes his hand, squeezing it.

"She said that it's not going great…”

Sehun sighs.

"Tell me what she said, mom. Properly."

His mother nods.

"She said that it's not working. The treatment isn't working as well as we hoped."

He hums in thought..

"Okay, then."

His voice is indifferent and expressionless, not because he wants to seem strong for his mother, but simply because he is indifferent. Of course the treatment didn't work. If it did, something would have happened. They tried it, no difference. That would usually indicate that it didn't work.

His mother mistakes his indifference for a shield to keep him strong. She squeezes his hand again.

"It's okay, honey, we'll find another way,"

He shrugs.

"Sure we will. We'll find the cure for cancer and I won't have to get my leg cut off and everything will be better and we'll go live in a land of unicorns and rainbows."

His mother gives him a patronising look.

"Don't think like that, Sehun, it'll be fine."

He raises an eyebrow. He just wants her to come to terms with reality and accept that her seventeen-year old son has a cancerous tumour in his leg, and the more she puts it off, the more she hurts both him and herself.

"Will it, mum? Will it really?"

She nods, her lip quivering.

"Of course it will. We'll get through, we always do."

Something inside Sehun snaps and he slams his hands down on the table, pushing himself to his feet.

"No, mum, we won't. It won't get better because you refuse to get your head out of the clouds and accept that I can't dance or run anymore, because I will need to have my leg cut off if I want to live. We won't get through like we always do, because I didn't always have cancer in my leg. Why can't you just stop lying to yourself and saying I'll get better? It's hurting both me and you, and it's obvious that it won't get better, not today, not tomorrow, not ever."

His mother's eyes are sparkling with tears, and the doctor wears an expression of sombreness, as if he understands how Sehun feels. It makes Sehun angry, because he doesn’t understand. No one understands how Sehun feels. Unable to stand it any longer, he storms out of the room. The growing throb in his leg only serves to remind him of his point and he yells in frustration, collapsing on a park bench in the garden outside. He screams until his voice goes hoarse; curses, cries, unintelligible screeches, whatever comes to his mouth. He lets out all the frustration he'd been holding in the past few months. People skirt around him, giving him fearful or cautious looks, and he ignores them, burying his head in his hands.

He sits for a few moments, not moving, and then he feels a hand on his shoulder. He goes to brush it off, assuming it's his mother, or the doctor, here to tell him for the umpteenth time that everything will be okay, but halts himself at the sight of a pair of bright doe-eyes.

"Would you like it?"

He focuses his vision to see that the doe-eyes belong to a beautiful boy who currently holds a cup of bubble tea out to him. Sehun stares. He stares at the boy, then at the bubble tea, then the boy again. The boy impatiently shakes the cup in Sehun's face. "Do you want it or not?"

Sehun takes it out of sheer surprise, not sure what to say to this odd boy. The boy doesn't wait for him to say anything, though.

"Bubble tea always makes me feel better when I'm not happy. You look like you need some. You came out of the hospital. You're sick, aren't you? Did you break your leg or something? You were limping. My friend broke his leg once, but it's better now. Will yours get better?"

Sehun stares numbly at the boy for a second, before realising that he’s supposed to answer.

"Uh, no, I don't think it'll get better this time. I have a cancer tumour in my leg..."

The boy stares at him, blinking for a few moments before breaking out into a grin.

"Well, that explains why you were upset. Wanna hear a quote I like? It’s French. _‘Quand on n'a pas ce que l’on aime, on faut aimer ce que l’on a’."_

Sehun almost smiles.

"What does that mean?"

The boy hums.

"When one doesn’t have the things that one loves, one must love what one has. Look on the bright side, you have a free pass out of PE for like, the rest of school. That'd be nice."

Sehun decides he likes this particular boy. There’s something about his matter-of-fact tone, lacking any sympathy whatsoever, the way he doesn't even bother comforting Sehun. It’s like a breath of fresh air. "I'm Luhan." The boy sticks his hand out, and after a moment's hesitation, Sehun takes it. "I'm Sehun." They smile at each other, and Sehun thinks that he might have just found a friend, one that doesn't look at him with pity or sympathy in their eyes. One that treats him like a normal person. Because that's what he is. A normal person. The cancer’s in his leg, not his heart.

They talk for a while, and Sehun learns that Luhan is 2 years older than him (much to his surprise), likes rubik's cubes, loves singing, and adores bubble tea, just like Sehun.

"My mother is dying." Luhan says matter-of-factly. "She's been dying for a while now." Sehun just nods, knowing from experience that pity won't help.

"That's too bad."

Luhan nods.

They sit and chat comfortably for a while, both of them having taken an instant liking to each other.

In the midst of a particularly pointless but enjoyable conversation about their favourite bubble tea flavours, Sehun's phone rings. It's his mother, and he knows he can't put it off any longer, so he answers.

"Hello?"

His mother's voice is forcedly calm, with a hint of hysteria behind it.

"Hey mom."

"Oh my god, Sehun, are you okay? I wanted to go after you straight away, but your doctor told me to give you some time. Honey, where are you?"

Sehun internally thanks his doctor for doing something right for once, and after a moment's hesitation, reluctantly tells her that he's in the park.

Precisely one and half minutes later, his mother comes rushing out of the building towards him with tear-stained cheeks.

"Oh, you poor baby, why didn't you say anything? We never knew that was what you thought! Honey, it'll be fine, don't think like that."

Luhan watches in slight amusement as Sehun is smothered by his mother with hugs and kisses. After a few minutes, she notices Luhan, and turns to him with a smile.

"Oh, hello, honey, are you one of Sehun's friends?"

Luhan smiles politely and nods, bowing.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Oh. I'm Luhan."

Sehun fakes a gag behind his mother's back and Luhan struggles to keep a straight face.

Sehun's mother, on the other hand, takes no notice and coos loudly.

"Oh, so polite! Why can't you be such a gentleman, Sehun?"

Luhan just smiles modestly while Sehun gives her a scandalised expression that she proceeds to ignore.

"So how did you two meet?"

Luhan chuckles softly.

"We actually only met less than an hour ago, madam, but I feel like we're old friends."

He gives her a million-dollar smile, and Sehun can physically see his mother melting under Luhan's charm.

"So, Luhan, tell me about yourself."

Luhan just laughs shyly.

"Ah, there's not much to say, Mrs Oh. I'm currently in my second year of Seoul University, with an interest in music and French. That's about it..."

Sehun's mother smiles.

"Oh, music? Sehun has an interest in music, too! What type of music in particular?"

Luhan looks surprised at this new piece of information, and gives a curious look to Sehun before turning back to Mrs Oh. "Well, I mostly have an interest in dancing and singing."

Mrs Oh gasps with delight and Sehun wonders why Luhan never hold him he likes to dance.

"Oh, that's wonderful! Sehun is quite the dancer, you know, he's won lots of competitions! A big passion of his!"

Luhan looks amazed at this information and Mrs Oh turns to Sehun with indignance.

"You didn't tell him?"

Sehun shakes his head, a blush creeping across his cheeks.

"There was no reason to..."

Both Luhan and Mrs Oh make sounds of dismissal at this, and Mrs Oh takes it upon herself to inform Luhan of every detail of Sehun's life. Luhan listens quietly, occasionally making sounds of awe at particularly impressive achievements, while Sehun sits in quiet embarrassment, waiting for it to end.

After a while, Mrs Oh finally takes the hint and leaves, telling Sehun to say goodbye to Luhan and meet her in the office later. The second she walks away, Luhan turns on Sehun. "You never told me you danced!"

Sehun raises an eyebrow.

"You never told me you danced either."

Luhan frowns. "That's different. You know enough about me. I don't know a thing about you!"

Sehun hums.

"What's my name?"

"...Oh Sehun."

"How old am I?"

"Sehun, that's not what I m-"

"How old am I?"

Luhan sighs.

"Seventeen."

"What's my favourite drink?"

"Bubble tea..."

Sehun snaps his fingers.

"Three things right there. Happy?"

Luhan sighs in exasperation.

"That's not what I meant."

Sehun shrugs.

"Well now we both know. Can I have your number?"

Luhan frowns.

"Sehun, that's no- wait, what?"

"Your number. Phone number. Can I have it?"

A red flush settles itself across Luhan's cheeks.

"O-okay."

He accepts Sehun's phone and keys his number in before tossing it back.

Sehun takes it with a nod of thanks.

"Well, she's waiting, I gotta go. Thanks for everything, maybe we could meet again sometime?"

Luhan nods with a smile, and Sehun grins at him.

It's then that Luhan realises how good-looking Sehun is, and is shocked with himself for not noticing earlier. "Uh, sure, bye."

Sehun waves at him before walking off, and yet another thing strikes Luhan. It's shockingly obvious that Sehun is a dancer. Even with his slight limp in one leg, he still possesses that grace while moving that only dancers have.

Luhan congratulates himself on making a new friend, and a cute one at that. It's been awhile since he talked to someone who understood him as much as Sehun.

"À bientôt, Oh Sehun,"

He mutters to himself, with a smile on his face as he watches Sehun go.

~

A week passes before Luhan gets a text from Sehun, asking if he wants to get some bubble tea on the weekend.

Luhan accepts eagerly, and soon he finds himself sitting in a bubble tea shop with Sehun, laughing like old friends. Their meetings become regular, with increasingly shorter intervals.

Sehun always asks Luhan to sing for him, but Luhan refuses.

"I'm not good, I don't want to..."

And he promptly changes the subject, no matter how much Sehun begs.

"Please, if you're majoring in music, you must be pretty damn good."

Luhan shakes his head.

"If you like singing so much, then you sing for me."

Sehun shakes his head frantically.

"No, I've got my.... you know..."

Luhan frowns.

"Your what?"

"...You know, my lisp."

They've become so familiar with each other that Luhan's become accustomed to the little lisp that Sehun has. He notices it now, how from Sehun's mouth, the word sounds like 'lithp'. Luhan shrugs.

"Doesn't matter. Sing for me."

Sehun shakes his head.

"No, it's embarrassing."

Luhan pouts.

"Come on, it's cute."

An awkward silence ensues, where a light blush spreads across Sehun's cheeks.

"You think?"

Luhan nods shyly, and Sehun smiles.

"Thanks. But flattery won't work. I'm not singing for you."

Luhan scowls.

"Fine. Well I'm not singing for you, then."

Sehun chuckles at the childish behaviour, and they soon both end up laughing.

A month later, Sehun is called to the doctor's again, and they tell him his chance is getting slimmer. He needs to stop exerting himself if he wants a chance to get better.

He sits in the office, not the least bit bothered, as it wasn't much of a blow. He'd been expecting it for a while. It's just like the last visit all over again.

He doesn’t return home until late after sunset.

~

Every time Sehun meets Luhan, he learns little things about him. One day, when they're sitting in a café, and Luhan imitates something Sehun had said earlier, Sehun notices the little lilt in Luhan's accent, ever so slight. When he first notices it, he has to listen to Luhan speak again to notice if it's really there. It makes his voice sound musical and soft.

Another day, Luhan invites Sehun over to his house for the first time, and it's surprisingly empty, with Luhan's mother in hospital.

Sehun asks what happened to Luhan's father, and Luhan gives him a sad smile and tells him that his father is just at work a lot, and doesn’t have time to be home.

~

When he invites Luhan over to his house, one time he goes into the bathroom and walks out a moment later to find Luhan fiddling with an old rubik's cube that Sehun has long given up on. Luhan doesn't notice Sehun come in, and Sehun just stands, watching in awe as the rubik's cube is solved within a few moments. Sehun lets out a little noise of awe, and Luhan jumps in surprise before putting back the cube and apologising. For what, Sehun doesn't know. When asked about it, Luhan simply says he had a lot of spare time when he had been staying with his mother in hospital.

Two days later, Sehun is once again called to his doctor's office. The warning is more stern this time, and they say it's virtually necessary for the surgery to take place if Sehun wants to live happily. Sehun couldn't care less. What their definition of 'happy' is, Sehun doesn't know. In his opinion, he's long passed the stage where it's possible for him to be 'happy'.

That night, he goes out, and doesn’t come back till morning.

His mother yells at him, screeching and cursing at his emotionless state.

‘Where have you been all day?’ she screams, a sob cracking her voice.

‘Why don’t you tell me anything anymore?’.

Faced with his silence, she retreats back to her room, body racking with sobs.

~

Sehun and Luhan grow inseparable over the months, with only having each other to be able to rely on, and trust to be understanding. Sehun loves being at Luhan's house. It's calming, and the boys can be themselves, with no one to chastise or fuss over them. One day, as Sehun and Luhan settle on the couch together to watch a movie, Sehun realises that Luhan is probably the only person who really understands him. They watch the movie excitedly, laughing freely at the funny scenes, and even tearing up a bit at the sad ones. They watch another movie after it, and then another. It's soon past midnight, and Sehun begins to feel the sleepiness set in, but doesn't want to leave, for he's happy. He's content, basking in the relaxed joy of having a day with Luhan and no one else, with no restraints. He reluctantly begins to get to his feet. "It's getting late, I should probably go..." As he rises, a small hand clutches his, and he looks down to see Luhan staring at him.

"Stay the night."

Sehun stares back and Luhan blushes as he registers his own words.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to, you know... yeah..."

Sehun chuckles and plops back down next to Luhan, his happiness returning in a rush.

"Thanks for letting me stay."

Luhan smiles in response, and they put on the fourth movie.

Sehun grins when he notices that they're still holding hands, his heart thumping in his chest.

The movie drags on, neither of them acknowledging their tiredness. Around halfway through the movie, a soft weight falls onto Sehun's shoulder, and he bites back a smile when he sees that it's Luhan's head. Luhan has finally fallen asleep, his eyes shut and small breaths fluttering out of his mouth. Suddenly Sehun is not so sleepy. He simply sits quietly, smiling to himself as he watches the movie. Luhan fidgets every few moments, twisting and squirming in his sleep, and Sehun realises that Luhan probably isn't in a comfortable position. Sehun shifts slightly so that Luhan's head is in his lap and Luhan stops squirming, relaxing in his sleep. Sehun runs his fingers through Luhan's silky locks, his attention more focused on Luhan's angelic face than the movie. When the movie finishes, Sehun turns it off and sits for a moment, unsure of how to get up. With some effort, he picks Luhan up bridal-style and shuffles to Luhan's bed, frowning slightly at how light Luhan is. He slowly places Luhan down on the bed and is in the process of pulling the covers up when a sudden screech of some bird outside causes him to jump, losing his footing and fall on top of the bed. Luhan fidgets and Sehun curses, pushing himself off the bed slowly, trying not to wake Luhan. He's finally extricated himself from the covers when Luhan reaches out in his sleep and wraps an arm around Sehun's torso, pulling him down and causing him to lose his balance again and fall in a heap on the bed. Luhan mumbles something unintelligible in his sleep and tugs on Sehun's arm until he rests on top of Sehun, his cheek pressed to Sehun's chest and his arms wrapped around Sehun's abdomen like a koala bear. Heat rushes to Sehun's cheeks and he squeaks, trying to shift out of the awkward position. The more he fidgets, the tighter Luhan's grip gets, and soon his fatigue overcomes him and he gives up, collapsing down onto the bed and letting Luhan use him as a personal teddy bear.

 

Sehun wakes to the sound of a phone ringtone, and groans as he opens his eyes to look for the source of the noise. His eyes widen when he finds himself face-to-face with a sleeping Luhan, who's snuggled up into him with his hands curled up against Sehun's chest. Sehun realises that his hands are on Luhan's waist, and removes them with a blush that deepens when Luhan whines softly in his sleep at the loss of warmth. He chuckles, entranced by the sleeping boy's beauty, and he absent-mindedly begins to stroke Luhan's hair, smiling when Luhan leans into his touch, almost purring in content. The unceasing ringing of the phone snaps Sehun out of his daze and he reluctantly turns to attend it, one hand still running through Luhan's hair. He answers the phone tiredly.

"Hello?"

"Hello, sir, is this Mr. Lu Han speaking?"

The voice is a professional and almost robotic female's voice, and Sehun's brow furrows in confusion.

"Uh, no, I'm a friend... May I know who's speaking?"

"Sir, I am a doctor from Seoul National University Hospital. Is Mr. Lu Han with you at the moment?"

Sehun feels an edge of nervousness.

"Okay, give me a minute, I'll wake him up."

He softly nudges Luhan.

"Luhan? Lu, wake up."

Luhan groans in his sleep, turning away from Sehun.

"Lu. Luhan. LUHAN."

Luhan finally wakes up, rubbing his eyes drowsily with a fist and looking around. Sehun points at the phone.

"It's the hospital,"

Luhan sits up, his eyes alert and slightly panicked as he accepts the phone from Sehun and puts it to his ear.

"Hello?"

There's a muffled talking from the other side of the line, and Luhan's eyes grow wide and fearful. He nods. "Yes, thank you, I'll be there right away."

He turns to Sehun, an apologetic expression on his face.

"I'm really sorry, but there's something they need me for at the hospital, nothing important."

The last phrase hangs in the air, the blatant lie in it not going unnoticed by either of them.

Sehun doesn't argue.

"Do you want me to come?"

Luhan's eyes slightly widen hopefully.

"You would do that for me?"

Sehun smiles reassuringly.

"I'd do anything for you," he mutters, just soft enough for it to go unnoticed by Luhan.

Sehun steps out and hails a taxi, dragging Luhan in with him and directing the driver to the hospital. He takes Luhan's hand and squeezes it reassuringly, and Luhan squeezes back softly. He steps out of the taxi and pays the driver before jogging into the hospital. The woman at the desk directs them to a ward and Sehun sits in the waiting room outside as Luhan rushes in.

There's a silence for a few moments before muffled talking. Sehun sits in silence, waiting for Luhan. He texts his mother in the meantime, explaining where he spent last night, telling her he probably won't be back for a bit longer. After ten minutes or so, the door opens with a slight creak, and Luhan steps out with a small and painstakingly fake smile plastered on his face.

"Yeah, like I said, nothing big, just a small complication..."

He stands there, with a crumpled piece of paper fisted in his hand, refusing to meet Sehun's eyes.

Sehun stares at him for a few moments with an unrecognisable expression, then slowly reaches for the paper, not taking his eyes off Luhan.

"Is it okay for me to read this, Han?"

Luhan doesn't respond, a soft strangled noise escaping from his throat as he lets the paper be tugged from his now loose grip.

Sehun scans the paper briefly, a flicker of pity passing through his eyes.

He looks up at Luhan, who's still standing in front of him, his hands now bunching in the hem of his too-big shirt, and he sighs.

"I'm sorry, Luhan."

Luhans nods, still not daring to meet his gaze.

Sehun clears his throat.

"So, you gonna go through with this surgery?"

_"Je ne peux pas, Sehun."_

Luhan finally looks at him, letting him see the tears gathering in his eyes.

"I can't. I can't afford it."

He shakes his head, swallowing thickly.

"She's not going to make it."

~

By the time they leave the hospital, it's the early afternoon. Sehun takes Luhan to a bubble tea shop, and buys Luhan his favourite flavour, taro.

Luhan sits there, emotionlessly stirring the drink with his straw and watching the tapioca pearls swirl around.

They sit in silence, and after a while, when they've finished their drinks, they get to their feet and head out.

"So, what do you want to do?"

Sehun asks Luhan. Luhan hesitates before looking at Sehun hopefully.

"Would I be able to come to your house for a bit? I don't want to go to my house for a while,"

Sehun nods, giving him an encouraging smile, and they head to Sehun's house.

They find the house empty, and a note taped to the fridge:

'Gone to see the relatives, call me when you get this.'

Sehun calls his mother, and puts it on speaker.

"Hello?"

"Hey, mum. The phone's on speaker, by the way. Luhan's here."

"Oh, Sehun! I called but you didn't pick up! Hi, Luhan, how are you?"

Luhan clears his throat.

"I'm doing great, thanks, Mrs Oh. How are you?"

She giggles lightly.

"I'm fine, thank you, Luhan."

"You sound as beautiful as ever."

A breathy giggle is heard on the line.

"Oh, Luhan, always a charmer. I don't know where I went wrong with Sehun."

Sehun gives a hurt gasp, and Luhan giggles.

"Well, anyway, Sehun, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Sehun takes the phone off speaker and puts it to his ear.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there. Your aunt has come down with a fever, and she lives alone, so I'll be staying tonight to take care of her. There's food in the fridge, call me if you need anything else."

Sehun internally cheers.

"Okay, mum, hope she gets better. Bye!"

As he's about to hang up, his mother's voice yells out.

"Hey, wait!"

Sehun sighs and puts the phone back to his ear.

"What?"

She laughs.

"No funny business while I'm gone, okay? You can't put too much pressure on that leg."

Sehun squeaks and hangs up quickly, flinging the phone away from him.

Luhan nudges him.

"What'd she say?"

Sehun shakes his head and snorts.

“Nothing much.”

Luhan laughs.

"Let's watch a movie."

Sehun nods, glad for something to divert the attention from his increasingly red face.

They settle down on the couch, with one movie becoming two, and two becoming three.

The boys end up falling asleep halfway through their fifth movie, with the television left running in the background.

When they wake the next morning, Luhan looks bright as always, but the bags under his eyes say otherwise.

"Do you wanna bake cookies?" Luhan asks in a cheerful voice.

Sehun nods.

He knows that the best thing Luhan could do right now is distract himself from thinking about his mother, with other activities.

"Yeah. Yeah, let's do that."

They head to the kitchen excitedly.

"So do you bake much?"Luhan asks.

"Um... Well... No?"

Luhan laughs at his response.

"Okay then. Is chocolate chip okay?"

Sehun nods, and Luhan starts getting the ingredients out, humming some random tune under his breath.

"Can you start mixing the dry ingredients?"

Luhan hands him a bowl of flour and sugar, and Sehun takes the electric mixer, unsure of what exactly he's doing. He turns it on and puts it in the bowl, and the next thing he knows, there's an explosion of white and his face is covered in flour. Luhan turns around to see what he's doing, and his eyes widen when he sees Sehun. He blinks for a few moments, staring, before breaking into laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach.

"Oh....my...god....you...look...so STUPID." he says between laughter.

Sehun frowns.

"Stop being a meanie."

Luhan simply laughs harder, and Sehun pouts. He takes a handful of flour and approaches Luhan, before throwing onto his face in a puff of white.

Luhan freezes, and it's Sehun's turn to laugh.

"Oh. No. You. Didn't."

Luhan growls as he approaches Sehun with another handful of flour. Sehun shrinks away, still laughing.

"Oh my god... you look... hilarious..."

Sehun gasps when a handful of flour lands on his face.

He scrabbles the counter for some sort of ammunition, and smiles mischievously when he finds an egg.

Luhan sees it and his eyes widen. He shakes his head.

"No. Please, no. Sehun, don't do-"

He is cut off by the egg splattering to his forehead, and he squeals.

"It's so on."

It soon turns into a full-fledged food fight, with their laughter echoing through the house.

Soon, there's only one egg left, and they both see it at the same time, lunging for it desperately.

Luhan ends up getting to it first, jumping onto Sehun and straddling him to stop his moving as he presses the egg against Sehun's cheek with a crack.

Sehun finally gives up, lying limp on the ground as the cold egg trails down his cheek and Luhan smiles triumphantly, and for a few moments, the kitchen is silent, save for their ragged breathing. Luhan's legs are still around Sehun's waist, the smiles still on both of their faces, and Sehun thinks that even with egg in his hair and flour on his face, Luhan is the most beautiful person he's ever seen.

For a few moments, the two don't move, staring at each other with the smiles dying on their faces. Sehun is acutely aware of everything, the fact that the two are alone in the house for the night, the fact that Luhan's legs are wrapped around his waist, the fact that their faces could only be a maximum of 10 centimetres apart. Their smiles fade, and for a second they just stare at each other, the room filled with tension.

Everything's quiet, and ever so still.

Then, by some unspoken force, they're both leaning forward, Sehun's hands reaching up to cup the back of Luhan's neck, Luhan's fingers brushing Sehun's cheek, not breaking their gaze, and then their lips crash together, moving messily but in synchronisation, the flour and eggs forgotten by the both as they pull each other impossibly close, Luhan's hands finding purchase in Sehun's silky hair, tugging at it softly. Their chests crushed together, Sehun now sitting up straight with Luhan's legs still around him as they kiss. After a few moments, Sehun pulls away to press their foreheads together, smiling slightly.

"I really really like you."

He breathes softly, and Luhan chuckles softly, giving him a small grin that sets his heart racing again.

"It's mutual."

For a second, they're both quiet, revelling in the moment, the room silent but for their quiet panting and the periodic ticking of the clock hanging above the door. Luhan laughs softly.

"I don't think we're gonna be able to bake cookies anymore..."

He gestures to the trashed kitchen, with flour and egg splattered over every visible surface, and discarded eggshells lying here and there.

They both laugh, and Sehun shrugs.

"Cookies are overrated anyway."

He sits up, before remembering that Luhan's still perched on his abdomen, and his smile turns into a frown.

"What the heck, Luhan, eat more food. You weigh less than a child!"

He pokes Luhan's stomach.

"I could barely feel you sitting on me!"

Luhan shrugs.

"I have a slim build."

Sehun scoffs.

"The HELL you have a slim build, you're nineteen years old and you weigh like, 30 kilos!"

They both begin their usual childish bickering, both fully aware that they have huge grins on their faces.

They spend the rest of the day lazing around and stealing kisses from each other. Sehun hasn’t felt this genuinely happy in a while.

He texts his mother sometime in the afternoon, telling her she can come back whenever she likes.

 

Mrs Oh heads to the front of the house, opening and shutting the door, then yelling, "I'm home!".

There's a thud from Sehun's room, then a squeak that sounds very distinctly like Luhan.

A few moments later, the two boys come stumbling out, faces flushed red and clothes crumpled suspiciously. She takes pity on them and doesn’t mention it.

“You boys up for some cookies?”

At her words, the two teens share a secretive look before bursting into laughter.

She gives them a bewildered look.

“O…kay then…”

She gives them an unnerved raise of an eyebrow.

“I’ll just… leave you two to whatever you were up to…”

She heads inside her room, and Sehun and Luhan watch her go amusedly.

 

That night, Sehun is called to the hospital again. The doctor sits him down, and she gives him a desperate look.

“Sehun, I like you. I really do. You’re a nice guy. I don’t want to have to ask you this, but what’s stopping you? If you don’t go through with this surgery, you will die. The cancer is spreading quickly. I don’t understand why you’re basically choosing death over just losing a leg. It’s just one leg, Sehun. We can get a prosthetic for you. It won’t be different.”

He gives her a blank stare.

“Not different? Not at all?”

She nods desperately, as if waiting for a lightbulb to go off in Sehun’s head and help him see the light. But he already sees it, and it’s shining far too bright.

“Will I be able to dance? Will I be able to dance like I used to?”

Silence. She gives him a pained grimace.

“Well… that’s a bit further than how far our abilities stretch, but Sehun, you can still walk, and even run, if you’re careful-“

_“Will I be able to dance?”_

She gulps.

“N-no.”

He gives her a shrug as if that’s his answer, and stands up, bowing slightly before heading out of the room.

He heads out again, the same place he does every time, and only returns when it’s almost midnight.

When he gets home, he finds his mother and Luhan waiting for him. His mother used to accompany him to the doctor’s visits, but he long since requested that she stop. He could see the toll it was taking on her. She doesn’t ask any more, about where he goes on these days, after the appointments, and spends all these hours at. She’s given up.

“So what did she say? What do you think?”

She asks excitedly, and Sehun can feel Luhan’s curious eyes on him.

“Now. She says I need to do it now.”

His mother watches him intently.

“And?”

He turns away.

“And nothing. I’m not going through with it.”

He hears her let out a sigh.

“Sehun, please, what’s holding you back? I just want you to be healthy, an-“

“No. I’m fine now.”

“It doesn’t make a difference if you-“

“It does to me.”

“But why, baby, I just want to k-“

“Yes, _why?_ If I’m dying, I’d rather die with my own four limbs than some shitty piece of plastic. Why? We’re all gonna die anyway. I’m just gonna be one of the thousands of others that dies a few decades earlier than the rest. So why?”

There’s the sound of a shark intake of air, and Sehun trains his eyes on the ground, a lump in his throat.

“Oh Sehun, you will not say those sorts of things so carelessly in this hou-“

“Fuck, mom, just _let me die in peace.”_

 _'This is the part where you feel guilty.'_ It whispers in his ear, and he tries, he really does, but he just can’t find it in him.

He’s so fed up, with all these people trying to break into this room he’s closed himself in, trying to paint the walls in vibrant hues when all he wants is a glimpse at the dull grey.

He turns around finally, and sees Luhan staring at him with tear-filled eyes, and his mother nowhere in sight. He knows she’s locked herself in her room, rocking her tears away with her knees tucked under her chin.

 _‘Probably wishing I was never born’_ He thinks without the slightest trace of bitterness, because to be completely honest, he wishes for the same thing.

He glances at Luhan again, who’s still staring wide-eyed, and he sighs, before turning away and heading into his room.

Silence. All he wants is silence, but of course, he can’t get it.

The door creaks open, and Luhan walks in, blinking at him hesitantly. Sehun watches him emotionlessly, not making any move to greet Luhan as he approaches timidly. He sits down on the bed next to Sehun, looking at the ground.

“You don’t have to talk, there’s just a few things I’d like to say, and I want you to listen.”

Luhan clears his throat, eyes still on the cream carpet.

“Your mom, she’s really hurting, and I know that you’re aware, but I don’t think you understand completely. Sometimes, when I come over to visit, and you’re not there, or you just head out for a bit, I see her. She’s hurting more than you see, because she hurts when you’re not with her. Just when you’re not in the house with her, the entire house seems to dullen. She needs you so much, it’s sad to see you value your life so little.”

Stop. Sehun wants him to stop, because he knows it, all of it, but hearing it out loud makes it even more painful. Luhan is chipping holes in the dam that Sehun has built to keep his guilt at bay, and it’s seeping through the crevices.

“Sometimes she cries when you head out. She has a photo of you, back when you were younger. That photo that she showed me when we first met, the one taken after you won your first dance competition. She cries so hard and she thinks that I can’t hear it because the door’s closed, but it’s painful to see her cry about you so damn much. She says she’s sorry, and that it’s her fault.”

Luhan looks up at him, and there are tears in his eyes, and a hint of rage that Sehun wants to wipe away, because such a wrong emotion doesn’t belong on Luhan’s delicate features. The dam is cracking at the edges, and Sehun is frantically trying to hold it together, to keep it from splintering through the middle.

“I’ve wondered, a lot of times, why you’re so reluctant to do this. Why you’re so against getting this amputation, because it won’t make a difference. You’ll be able to do exactly what you do now, and more. You have a life ahead of you, and sometimes I wonder why such a big thing means so little to you. It hurts to see you, because you’re visibly wasting away, and there’s nothing I can do about it, even though the solution is so close to reach. The problem is, it’s in your reach, not mine, and I get angry a lot, because all you need to do is take it, and everything would be better.”

 _Crack._ He can hear it in his mind, fracturing through the centre, steady streams escaping it. Luhan lets out a soft breath and leans into Sehun, putting his head on Sehun’s chest.

“It hurts. It hurts because you’re right here, and I can’t do anything for you. It hurts because I know there’s no chance for my mother, and I have to let her go. It hurts because even though you have that chance, you’re wasting it, ignoring it, and I don’t know why. I just want to be here for you, and I want you to be here for me, because I’ve got no one left but you, and…”

Luhan’s voice cracks.

“And I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

And then, with a deafening whoosh, the dam breaks, falling apart into thousands of little fragments, and the emotions flood out, overwhelming Sehun, and he wants nothing more than to curl up in a ball and hide from the rest of the world, because all these feelings are swirling around him in a whirlpool, and he’s losing his grip. To his gratitude he finds an anchor to ground himself, in the refuge of Luhan’s arms.

~

They stay like that all night, the warmth of security and company giving them comfort. Luhan never got his answer, but he’s happy, because all he really wanted was for Sehun to know how much he means. How much he matters.

The next morning, Luhan is woken by a very excitable-looking Sehun, and before he can even change his clothes, he’s being whisked out of the house, and onto a bus, Sehun close at his heels. They get off at a dirty stop that’s in the middle of a seemingly empty alleyway, black and threatening buildings looming high around them, but Luhan doesn’t question it, because Sehun’s genuinely smiling for the first time in days, and it’s a sight to behold. Sehun leads him down the dirty streets for a few minutes, and Luhan becomes acutely aware of how silly he must look, in fluffy slippers and yesterday’s crumpled t-shirt and jeans. The rising sun bears down on his back, and he knows he must look like a mess, and yet Sehun guides him through the buildings gently, as if he’s the most beautiful thing in the world. They reach a tall, rusting fence, and Sehun hops it with an impressive lack of difficulty, especially considering how weak his body has grown as of lately. He reaches over the fence to gently lift Luhan over, hands tight on his waist so not to drop him. Luhan’s perfectly capable of jumping it himself, but letting Sehun do a thing like this for him, no matter how meaningless it may seem, gives him a warm feeling inside.

Luhan lets himself be taken through a thick cluster of narrow houses, into a clearing where they find an old warehouse, the wooden frame peeling and the corrugated iron roof tarnished by rust. It doesn’t seem like much, nothing like the castles from the fairytales, with the turrets and moats and drawbridge, but it feels oddly welcoming (in a way that has Luhan slightly questioning his own sanity). Sehun gives the wooden board doors a push, and they swing open with a loud creak that makes Luhan flinch, and then blush at Sehun’s amused smirk. Sehun steps inside and wanders around, twirling around the support beams that hold up the ceiling, spread out across the room with a few metres’ gap in between each. He glides across the room, dust rising under his feet. The walls are marked with graffiti, each scrawl a signature from another passing bored youth, or others just creative cuss words, messily sprayed in loops across the span of concrete. Luhan stares around in wonder for a while. He can understand why Sehun seems to like this place so much because it feels so abandoned and unwanted that no one else would come here, and sometimes, that’s just what Luhan wants, too. He feels special, thinking that Sehun probably hasn’t brought anyone here before, judging by the way he nervously watches Luhan as if he's waiting for a reaction of some sort. Luhan looks up at him with a smiled filled with adoration.

“It’s beautiful.”

Sehun snorts.

“Well… that’s a new way to look at it…”

Sehun sighs, leaning against one of the thick support beams.

“This is where I come, those days I disappear for hours at a time. It’s nice here.”

Luhan nods, watching Sehun’s expressions. There’s a flicker of a pained expression on his face.

“Back before I was diagnosed… I’d come to practise here. I got nervous when people watched me, so I came here to be all alone. It’s calming.”

Sehun leans against a pillar, sliding into a sitting position and leaning his head back against it.

“Then, when I was diagnosed, I came here after I realised that I probably would never be able to use this room again. That was what hurt me most, I guess. I knew that we’d all die one day, but the possibility of me not being able to dance… it scared me on a whole new level,”

Sehun’s eyes are closed, and he swallows a lump in his throat before continuing.

“I’m scared to get this surgery, because the only thing I’ve ever been seen as is a dancer, and if I get a prosthetic, that’ll be taken away from me, and I’ll be nothing. Dance is all I am, and without it, there’s just a shell. I just wanna die for something, you know? I just think sometimes that I would rather die a dancer than live as nothing.”

A tear traces its way down his cheek.

“I know that it’s gonna have to happen, one day or another, but I keep telling myself, stupidly, I keep telling myself that I can have a few more days. ‘Just one more’, I keep telling myself. ‘Just a little more.’ Because I can’t bear the thought of not being anything. Because I tell myself that I’m not ready yet, when the truth is that I’ll never be ready. Because I just want one last dance.”

He stands up, now, brushing the dust off his clothes.

“But I realised that I don’t really care who sees me as a dancer. As long as you do.”

He offers his hand to Luhan, a hopeful smile adorning his face.

“So give me one last dance?”

Luhan accepts the hand with a soft smile, leaning forward to press his forehead to Sehun's.

_“Bien sûr, mon amour.”_

~  
The hospital is cold.  
Luhan doesn't know if it's the weather, or the tiled floors, or the growing pit in his stomach, but there's an icy cold chill spreading through him.  
Everyone seems to be looking at them, and Luhan feels slightly paranoid. Sehun squeezes his hand, giving him a reassuring smile, and Luhan wants to cry, because no, _Sehun is getting the surgery, not Luhan._ He has no right to be comforting Luhan when it should be the other way around.  
Sehun is given a white gown to change into, and the doctors leave the room to go prep, leaving the two in deafening silence. When the doctors return, Sehun and Luhan are sitting shoulder to shoulder, their temples pressed together and their eyes closed. They wheel Sehun onto a cold metal gurney and give him an oxygen mask to set over his face.  
Luhan holds Sehun's hand the entire time, refusing to let go, and insisting that he needs to be there for his boyfriend. The doctors shoot him a final pitying look before finally giving in, handing him a medical mask and telling him to leave at the slightest feeling of nausea.  
Sehun watches Luhan as they administer the anaesthetics, and his grip is slowly loosening, eyes still intent on Luhan.  
It's chilling how morbid this room is, with its dimmed lighting and depressing air. Luhan wonders how these doctors work so fluently and emotionlessly in the midst of such a dispiriting environment, when he can barely stand being in the room. Maybe it has something to do with how the love of his life is spread out in front of him, with his life in the hands of four strangers with white coats and unfeeling eyes.  
The older male hopes that Sehun doesn't notice how he's shaking or how there are silent tears rolling down his cheeks, pooling in the creases of the white surgical mask. There's silence, throughout the procedure, but for the hushed whispering of the doctors, but Luhan swears he hears something shatter, and he knows it's his heart, because Sehun looks so peaceful and lifeless, and beautiful in the most eerie way possible, on these clean-pressed sheets in his white gown, skin ghostly pale and eyelids shut.  
Sehun's grip has long since slackened as he teeters on the brink of consciousness, but Luhan doesn't let go.  
~  
Luhan wakes with creases on his cheek from the stiff sheets of the bed. The room smells strongly of disinfectant, and the smell makes Luhan want to throw up, because he knows it's only to mask the pungent odour of blood. He wonders how a place with such a bloody history can be kept so pristinely white.  
Sehun lays in a bed near his head, clammy hands still clutching Luhan's. Luhan smiles when he sees Sehun's face, pressing a finger against the younger's brows to smooth out the creases that mar it.  
His eyes wander down Sehun's pale body, which seems to be swathed in the thin material of his gown, until they land on a hollow dip in the material next to his right leg. He swallows, eyes flickering away briefly before looking back. He reaches out tentatively, fingers edging over the bandaged stump.  
He runs his fingers over the smooth curve, again and again, and he can feel tears well up at the back of his eyes, because _out of all these people, it had to be Sehun,_ who never wanted anything more than to dance.  
His fingers are shaking now, and he drops them from the stump onto the scratchy sheets, balling them up in his fists as a sob makes its way up his throat.  
He hears the bed creak, and then there's a hand on his face, and he looks up to see Sehun's pale, tired face watching him.  
"Hey, hey,"  
The pale boy whispers softly, voice rough from sleep.  
"Don't cry, it's okay."  
Luhan hides his face in the sheets, staining them with his tears.  
"I'm sorry, Sehun," he gasps, and it feels like there's a vice around his heart, because Sehun doesn't look sad at all, and he doesn't know if he should be glad or concerned.  
Sehun puts a finger under his chin and lifts his head up to look at him.  
"I'm trying to think of an amputee joke to cheer you up..." he muses quietly.  
Luhan chuckles through his tears, sniffing slightly. "And?"  
Sehun winks.  
"I'm stumped."  
There's a moment's silence, where Luhan just stares at Sehun in disbelief, and then a snort is bubbling in his throat, and he's half laughing, half sobbing, burying his face in Sehun's chest.  
"I can't believe you," he sobs, pounding his fist weakly against Sehun. "You complete _idiot,"_  
Luhan can hear the rumble of Sehun's chuckles, reverberating through his chest, and he hiccups, burying his face in his hands.  
"I can't believe you." he mutters to no one in particular, leaning up to press a soft kiss to Sehun's lips.  
There are still tears tracing down his cheeks, and he glances back at the stump, where Sehun's leg used to be.  
"I'm sorry," he whispers, and Sehun wraps an arm around his shoulders, hoisting him up onto the bed so lay side by side.  
"It's okay," he murmurs, burying his face in Luhan's hair.  
"Everything's okay."

They sit in silence for a while, thinking about nothing in particular. Luhan takes a ragged breath, closing his eyes and beginning to sing. His voice is hoarse from crying, and he's missing half of the notes, and he doesn't even remember what the song is about, but he sings anyway, simply because the hospital is too quiet. Sehun is motionless behind him, and Luhan is acutely aware that he probably sounds like an idiot, singing some random song in a hospital in the middle of the night.  
When the song ends, there's silence again, and Luhan just lays back, staring at the plain grey ceiling.  
Sehun hums.  
"I like your voice. It's beautiful."  
Luhan hums back, but doesn't respond.  
There's a hole in his chest, and it aches, but somehow he feels content laying here in this stale hospital room with this one-legged dancer who can't dance.  
~  
They keep Sehun in the hospital for three weeks and two days after the surgery, wheeling him out to the garden every morning to feel the sunshine, but the relief is only temporary, before he begins to despise it, because it reminds him too much of all that he doesn’t have. He confines himself to his room, finally convincing them to leave him alone. His room is dark, and no one disturbs him, but he’s lonely, and there’s nothing to do. This starts to hurt too, because this is how his life is going to be from now on, and he hates it, because he feels empty, and the void is too big to fill.  
The only temporary relief he gains is from Luhan’s short visits, those short occasions that he awaits every day where Luhan’s smile is enough to light up the entire room. It’s like he’s alone in a dark room, before someone lights him a candle, illuminating the room and giving him warmth and light. The moments are short, though, and when Luhan leaves, it’s like the candle has been snatched away, leaving the room feeling even darker and colder than before.  
He decides to try and learn French, buying a textbook and going over random phrases.  
“J-J'aime… J’aime danser…”  
He would mumble aloud, squinting at the tiny printed characters in the book. He grows bored quickly.  
Sehun ponders his existence, day and night, about what the point of this is. ‘Why bother fighting a losing battle?’ he wonders, because either way, he dies or he loses his dreams. There’s no winning in this for Sehun, and he wishes that he chose the first option, because at least it would be quick and less torturous. At least he wouldn’t be such a burden.  
~  
It’s the second week,and Sehun is at his breaking point.  
They tell him he’ll be released in a few days, but his patience is wearing thin, and he wakes up in the mornings wishing he didn’t. He lacks energy, because although he’s physically more than fit (well, as much as an amputee can be), he’s emotionally exhausted, and the dull routine of the hospital is sapping away his motivation.  
~  
He wakes on on his fifteenth day with a pounding headache and reaches for a cup of water, pouring it for himself with shaky hands. He takes a sip, sighing as he stares dully through the window at the clear blue sky outside. The weather is beautiful, and it sort of reminds him of the day he met Luhan, clouds fluffy and white. He reaches out to put the glass back down on the table, gasping slightly when it falls out of his grip and clatters onto the floor, thankfully not breaking. Cursing, the boy reaches down, edging his fingers towards it, but he can’t reach. He stretches for it again, and ends up almost falling off the bed, a streak of pain shooting up his leg. Another pain shoots through him, but this time in his heart.  
Pathetic. He’s pathetic.  
He stares at the cup, willing it to miraculously lift itself back onto the table.  
It doesn’t.  
“Can’t even pick up a fucking cup off the ground without someone’s help, can I?” he mutters to himself, feeling involuntary tears welling behind his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry, because he knows he’s being immature, and it’s stupid to cry over a dropped cup, but all the stress that’s been building up inside him has reached bursting point, and he finds himself sobbing into a clenched fist, because he’s been reduced to this, reduced to _nothing._ He’s been reduced to not being able to pick up a cup off the ground, and he wonders if it’s possible to be a bigger burden than he is.  
Sehun is lonely, and he wishes that someone is here to tell him that it is okay, and that he matters. His mother rarely visits anymore, because it’s hurting her to see him so apathetic. She is being a little bit selfish, but Sehun thinks it’s okay, because he’s been selfish for years. He burrows under the sheets, trying to muffle his choked cries with the fabric. It doesn’t work, because soon there’s a nurse rushing in, asking him if he’s in any pain, and where it hurts. He doesn’t tell her that it’s his heart, because he knows there’s nothing she can do to fix that. She’s quite flustered, and ends up calling another doctor in, because Sehun’s never cried in all his time at the hospital, always having been quiet and polite, and she’s quite concerned for him. Sehun doesn’t stop crying, for the next hour, and only falters when Luhan barges in with a plastic bag in his hand, yelling about the new bubble tea store next door at the top of his voice. Luhan calms him down in moments, patting his hair like a child, but Sehun doesn’t complain because it’s been awhile since he’s received this sort of affection. The doctor gives them a small smile, disappearing into the room next door before appearing with a paper in his hand.  
“Letter of discharge,” he says in a kind tone.  
“We thought it would be a good idea to keep him a bit longer, but Sehun is all healed up, all he needs now is some love,”  
Luhan nods happily, basically bouncing off the walls in excitement as they transfer Sehun into a wheelchair.  
Luhan wheels his chair down the park, grinning brightly.  
The sky is a pale blue, the clouds fluffy and white, and the birds are chirping. It’s a perfect day, and Sehun is glad that he was discharged today. Luhan stops his chair in a small patch of grass, stretching his arms out.  
“Are you comfortable? Is everything okay? Do you want anything?” he asks excitedly, leaning down to fuss over Sehun’s chair.  
Sehun's life doesn't seem so pointless anymore, because knowing that Luhan is here is enough for Sehun. The air is warm, and it's bright outside, but Sehun doesn't know if it's from the sky, or the way Luhan is basically radiating warmth and cheerfulness.  
Sehun smiles, watching the sunlight reflect off Luhan’s cheeks, giving him an angelic glow.  
_“Non. Tu es tout ce que je veux."_

**Author's Note:**

> This was also posted from my AFF (same username as ao3) so don't go turning me in for plagiarism, y'all.
> 
> MEANINGS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE TO LAZY TO GOOGLE IT OR WHATEVER (yep I'm one of you dw):  
> 'Tu es Tout ce Que Je Veux' = 'You are all that I want'  
> 'À bientôt' = 'See you soon'  
> 'Je ne puex pas' = 'I cannot/I can't'  
> 'Bien sûr, mon amour' = 'Of course, my love'  
> 'J’aime danser' = 'I like to dance'  
> (if I missed anything, or you still need clarifications, then go ahead and ask, I don't bite^^)


End file.
